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Fresh air and sunshine

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Do you ever wake up from a night that was far too long, because it was full of uncomfortable dreams and one really bad one just before waking, so you felt gloomed from the start of your day?

I just had one of those nights and am sitting here with the laptop and the Yorkshire tea, talking to you and trying to shake off the night. I need some fresh air blowing through my brain.

It’s been so busy here for the last few days I haven’t been out on my bike, and I’m missing it, so even if it’s raining, I’m going to be out there on the Trail by 9 a.m. Later I’m having lunch with Zoe, and we’re going to her local bike shop to see if we can find a new one for me. I hope that even if I have to drive around in an ugly, dirty, beige, truck-like vehicle (Dave’s choice) at least I will have a sleek new bike, and the ancient one with the mudguards held on with plastic ties will be the spare in the shed.

This is me in sunny California, riding Wendy’s bike over the Golden Gate Bridge: an actual video. It was one of the best days of my life. Thank you, Ise.

Isaac in New York Oct 09

In three weeks time I’ll be there in the sunshine again – staying with the West Coast Hepworths. Oh yes.


Front garden floorshow

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Did you have a lovely warm spring day yesterday, as we did here?

So there we were in the back garden at 4.15, oiling my (old) bike chain (which means that I was watching Dave do it) and a loud unfamiliar noise started somewhere on the lane.

Dave said: “What’s that rushing water? It sounds like a burst water main.”

I said: “No it doesn’t, it sounds like some kind of farm machinery.”

We finished oiling the chain and then Dave disappeared round the side of the house in search of the noise. Two minutes later he was back.

“It’s starlings in the field across the road!”

We stood on the lane in front of our house and saw and heard a HUGE flock of starlings sitting on one of the trees. You see those two trees on the left that look as though they have leaves on them? Those “leaves” are starlings. The noise was weird and wonderful.

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They took off and flew around for a couple of minutes and then alighted back on the tree. Then after another 3 or 4 minutes, they took off and flew over the hill to join the main roost – that one I told you about a couple of weeks ago.

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One day, I’ll have the camera with the zoom lens all lined up and ready. I wish you’d seen them with us. It was breathtaking.

Why do we have children?

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I’ve been thinking a mish-mash of stuff about parenting ever since Tuesday morning when Isaac (my son, and a father of two) sent me the link to a piece by Jennifer Senior in New York magazine called All Joy and No Fun. The subtitle: Why parents hate parenting.

It’s a thoughtful piece which includes a collection of research about parents’ experiences of, and feelings about, being parents. The conclusion appears to be that these days they don’t like the day-to-day experience of it much. 

So what’s the pay-off? In my mind it’s the company of your lovely adult children you like to spend time with, the sense of pride in seeing what lovely human beings they turned out to be, and what loving parents they are. And the other pay-off is – of course – grandchildren.

I know that in the past I’ve compared making a patchwork quilt and knitting a Fair Isle jumper to writing a novel, and now I am thinking that being a parent is like writing a novel and then publishing it yourself. There’s a lot of fun in the early stages and there’s satisfaction and a sense of achievement in the end product but boy is it hard work along the way. There are times that you wonder why you thought it was a good idea – what were you thinking? Is it worth all the worry, the sleepless nights, the huge expense, the fire fighting, the obstacles to be overcome, the problems to be solved? You learn a lot and there are flashes of joy, but there’s no denying it’s bloody hard. 

zoe and lux

Also on Tuesday, I had a lovely lunch with Zoë (my daughter and a mother of two, pictured holding Isaac’s daughter, Lux, a few years ago). She is such a talented and accomplished woman with her sewing, knitting, printing, DIY, design and woodwork, and a multitude of other craftwork, and it made me sad that my mother is not here to see all this. But then I guess my mother got satisfaction from looking at my sibs and me.

 

p.s. I am lucky to have three wonderful adult “children” but the third prefers to remain unmentioned and anonymous.

grey (bike) and beige (car)

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I’ve chosen a new bike! I’m slightly disappointed because they only do it in charcoal grey, and driving around in Dave’s beige car is bad enough. (Tell me – why would anyone even dream of making a beige car?) But hey – I’m having a new bike!

The other problem yet to be solved is what width of seat to have. You may as well know that when I was first pregnant with Isaac (42 years ago) the doctor examined me and said “Plenty of room in there for a nice ten pounder.” Jim in the bike shop said “We have a device for measuring what size seat you should have.” My mind reeled. Not wanting him anywhere near my bum with a tape measure, I said “Oh, I’ll just try a couple of seats, shall I?”

I tried a couple and still hadn’t found a comfy one so I asked him exactly how they measured customers in order to find the right seat.

I needn’t have worried. It’s a broad strip of gel that you sit on and your ischial tuberosities dent it more than the rest of your bum, and they measure between the two points and look on a chart and hey presto – this is the size of seat you need. But they hadn’t got my size in stock (which i must tell you was not the widest)  and nor could they order it, and I ran out of time. I had to pick up Tate and Gil from school. But the bike is ordered, and when it gets here, I’ll sort out the seat.

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Missing Wensleydale

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The only one of my novels not set in Derbyshire is Zuzu’s Petals, which is set in Sheffield and in Wensleydale (where my parents lived.) Since they died, I still go up to Wensleydale several times a year, usually with one or more of my sibs. In the in-between times, when I am missing the place - as I am this morning - I take comfort in Rosemary Mann’s photographs which she posts on Twitter @1SouthViewHawes. She has a lovely holiday cottage in Burtersett near Hawes, which you can rent. She has kindly given me permission to post a few of her delicious photographs here. These are some of her recent ones:

sheep above hawes RM

towards Ribblehead

Wensleydale RM 2

Wensleydale RM

Oh, Wensleydale, I miss you….

Sunday’s inspiration and other bits and bobs

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You know how I sometimes sink under the weight of bad news and weltschmerz, don’t you? Well, this morning I came across the blog of a young woman who spends her free time on taking a young boy with autism out for the day. It renewed my hope.

I am really enjoying The Fountain Overflows by Rebecca West.

And I am looking forward SO MUCH to seeing this little person in two and a half weeks time. This is her yesterday, travelling on a plane to her hols, checking the emergency procedures.

lux on hols

A bad case

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I was in a bad temper for much of last week. Did you notice?

By Saturday, I decided I should try to figure out why. I finally realised it was critical when I was brusque on the phone with someone totally undeserving of brusqueness; and when ALL the characters in my favourite soaps were annoying me, not just the usual suspects  (such as the new Tony in The Archers).

My life is relatively easy, and although we have suffered the vile vile wind and rain for weeks, we have not been flooded, so a bad mood was not justified. Why on earth was I dyspeptic? Was it:

1/ a tantrum at my car being scrapped and my having to drive around in Dave’s car (which I am struggling to get used to)

2/ not being able to decide whether to buy another car of my own (and if so, should it be new or used?) when we ought to be able to manage with just one, anyway…

3/ was it because I have not been away anywhere at all for more than three months and I am sick of the same old, same old?

4/ was it about something more fundamental, namely hating getting old

5/ or was it simply a severe case of February-itis?

I suspect it is the latter. Long time readers of the blog will know that by the middle of February I am usually climbing the walls. The absence of snow and ice has made the winter a little easier to bear, but the long term greyness has been just as bad. And I haven’t yet moaned about February this year, have I?

February is foul. February is the calendar equivalent of the early hours. To quote from Fleur Adcock’s poem, Things,

“…It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse and worse.”

I HATE FEBRUARY!

There, that’s better.

Now, here is a nice pic of the Bakewell Bridge over the Wye that I took in another February:

bakewell bridge

and here’s another bridge (plus the personnel in the foreground) I’ll see in two weeks time – YAY!  gals

p.s. If you think I am petted and spoiled and far too moany to be nice – say it. It is surely true.

Now I’ve named the beast…

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…I’ve tamed the beast, and I can return to being my sweet Pollyanna self (?)

I’ve checked my ESTA status for the upcoming trip, and how many dollars I need, and now I am assembling presents to take.

Lux is the easy one, as she is currently listening to an audio version of Winnie the Pooh, over and over:

jam 

Yes, she really does want more of our jam.


Quote for today

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"I'm not telling you to make the world better, because I don't think that progress is necessarily part of the package. I'm just telling you to live in it. Not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances. To make your own work and take pride in it. To seize the moment. And if you ask me why you should bother to do that, I could tell you that the grave's a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace. Nor do they sing there, or write, or argue, or see the tidal bore on the Amazon, or touch their children. And that's what there is to do and get it while you can and good luck at it."

Joan Didion

 

Have you ever…?

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Have you ever…

……Lain awake with a weird pain you’ve never had before for three nights running, searched the net for the reason, self-diagnosed and then gone to the doctor the next day and been right, and given anti-biotics? That’s me.

……Given in to temptation and ordered a blouse from Wrap and when it arrived, loved it to bits – not least because of the colour -  but it is just, just, just, too small, and you keep trying it on and looking at yourself in the mirror but don’t think losing weight would help… and someone hanging around asks what those frills on the shoulder are for, and doesn’t it look as if it used to be sleeveless and has suddenly sprouted sleeves?

blouse

…and you decide to so order the bigger size but know in your heart of hearts that when it arrives, it will be too big to look perfect in that style? That’s me.

…..Sat in bed in the morning wondering if you feel robust enough to do the two things booked into your diary – your sax lesson and visiting your sister 50 miles away? That’s me.

…..Worried that the tenses in your latest blog post are all to cock?

Bipolar

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I had a lovely time with my big sister yesterday.

My days are fine. It’s my nights that are vexing.They are a patchwork of wakeful pain, Letterpress, mugs of Yorkshire tea, episodes of Frasier, messaging loved ones in another time zone…such as Lux via Isaac…

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and rootling in the medicine box, wondering why all our painkillers are past their Use by date.

Two things to celebrate

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I slept through the night.

When i woke up, February had gone.

Different worlds

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The children and young people are a vital part of our Quaker Meeting in Bakewell. I hope if the day ever comes when we have no kids, I’ll be dead.

On Saturday night they had a sleepover in the meeting house and watched the film The Help, and on Sunday morning before Meeting for Worship, they cooked and served a “Big Banana Bakewell Fairtrade breakfast” for the rest of us. This is a bunch of them -IMG_6900

The breakfast was fab, a very friendly, happy time, and I know the kids enjoyed themselves as well.

Meanwhile, last Thursday in occupied Palestine, some Bedouin children were excited to see playground equipment – donated by Italy -arrive at their encampment. But before it could be unloaded from the trucks, the Israeli authorities confiscated it.They have already issued demolition orders against dozens of structures in the encampment, including the local school. And yet two kilometres away, there is a Jewish settlement, built on occupied land in defiance of international law.

And somewhere else in Palestine, the Israeli authorities have destroyed this little girl’s home. Demolitions like this are an everyday occurrence.Palestinian Child Home Demolished

Would you consider joining the growing movement that is boycotting Israel until they abide by international law?

The best medicine

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I had another bad night, after I thought I was better from whatever it is that ails me. Off to the doctor later.

In the meantime I found a quote I like from Kurt Vonnegut, about laughter. If they ever put me in Who’s Who I will list laughter as one of my hobbies/interests/pastimes. Maybe that’s why I can’t keep jokes out of my novels, even the serious ones. So this is what the great man said -

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This is why when I am tired and discouraged, I watch comedy.

My life as a cliché

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The GP has given me a new antibiotic, as the last one didn’t do what it said on the tin. The new one has a list of possible side effects as long as your arm.

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Some of these are life threatening, so I went to sleep last night, chewing my finger nails, a nervous wreck. But this morning I am alive and kicking: I slept like a baby, and this morning I’m bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (ish), hoping in the next couple of days to draw a line under my kidney infection and move on with my life.

For the time being, however, I am staying in bed.


Death (and other spoilers)

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Yesterday – a day in bed – I gulped down The Fault in our Stars, a Young Adult book about love, life, cancer and death. It was funny and sad, thoughtful and gripping – my favourite kind of novel.

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Hazel and Augustus, the two teenagers in the book have a favourite novel which ends in the middle of a sentence because the narrator dies. As readers, they fully accept this concept, but they do want to know what happens to the other characters in the novel, so they track down the author to ask him.

It reminded me of someone who loved Plotting for Grown-ups asking me what I thought would happen to Sally and Kit in the years to come? and would Gus come back? and if he did, what would happen?

Originally, I wanted to end the book with Kit assuming that Sally would marry him and move in with him, and Sally saying to the reader “I am crazy about this guy, but who said I wanted to marry him?”

BUT JANE (my co-author) WOULD NOT LET ME. She is a better plotter than me, but I worry that she is sometimes too enslaved to the conventions of romance writing – which you can kind of forgive her for, because she is, after all, a romance writer.

I do have ideas about what happened to the characters after the end of the novel, but I would love to hear from you, dear readers. Do you have any thoughts?

(as always, if the comments section doesn’t work, you can email me on infoatdelicatelynuanceddotcom )

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so much depends
upon
a red wheel
barrow
glazed with rain
water
beside the white
chickens.

William Carlos Williams

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In a station of the Metro

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;

Petals on a wet, black bough.

Ezra Pound

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Wet evening in April

The birds sang in the wet trees

And as I listened to them it was a hundred years from now

And I was dead and someone else was listening to them.

But I was glad I had recorded for him the melancholy.

Patrick Kavanagh

Done in

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Jane asked me the other day if I was excited about going to California and I said, “Not excited, no. I’m on the other side of desperation.”

And I’m at the end of my tether with the blog, which is why I’ve been throwing poems at you.

I’m at the end of everything. I want to be away.

The current anti-biotics (or the tail end of the kidney infection itself) is making me not only washed-out, but a bit depressed. Chrissie drove me the mile to Hassop Station for a nice lunch on Friday, and I was so exhausted afterwards I had to go to bed.

Today there was a blue sky and a warm sun and I have spent the day in the garden, pottering and sitting. I just have to make it to Thursday morning, when I am flying away to to see these little beauties…

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…and maybe get my mojo back.

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